Tuesday, December 06, 2005


Trying to keep it positive

I miss writing and reading.. don't know why I haven't been around. Maybe I am trying to be good and not do the complaining thing and since I am used to letting that fly here and some of the stuff that has been irritating me is computer related I have just been avoiding?? LOL Maybe. So I am going to try and make this a positive post.. ok? Can I do that? LOL Maybe.

First... HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY MOM!!! I AM SOOOOOOO SORRY I FORGOT. I'll make up for it at Christmas.. promise *wink* Also when I think of my mom's birthday it reminds me of the day I got baptized. 6yrs ago now! WOW.

Second.... I loveeeeeeee my husband *big drooling grin here* This separation is not all bad.. some good has come out of it. lol He treats me sometimes like we are courting.. surprises here and there.. nice silk sheets in the mail.. requests for pictures for his eyes only heehee.. teasing on the phone late at night.. other things I can't say in public with out blushing deep pink and red. Having a online love affair with your husband is really romantic. But as always.. I can't wait till he is home.

Also I am starting to get into the Holiday Spirit mode. Some decorations are up here and there and we got a wee little bit dusting of snow this morning. My favorite is my fire place. The fire blazing nice and warm and cozy with all the stocking holders I just bought (I have never had a fire place before). I would like to warn you though.. if you do buy pointcitas.. they do NOT fair well outside when it is freezing.. they will wilt and die.. who knew.. I thought they were Christmas plants and would do well with cold weather and look cute on my porch. The porch has a fake tree decorated with red lights and I tried to hang these star lights on the porch but the clips are some what flimsy and they fell.. have to find a better solution. I also got 8 boxes of icicle lights to put on the outside of the house but haven't worked up the courage just yet to get on the latter and put them up myself. My son Zane is chomping at the bit to help with that project lol. Also a favorite place with CHRISTmas decorations is my dinning room. The Nativity is out on the hall table with a gold runner. The dinning table has a festive table cloth and a wreath like candleholder as a center piece. My chandelier has greenery around it. If I do entertain this CHRISTmas the dinning room will be very pretty. Ofcourse I have tons more decorations I can get out from the garage. I still have to find a place for my Teddy Bears and we have more ordainments. I want a real CHISTmas tree for the living room. I am hoping when Josh comes home for this weekend we can get one and trim it as a family.

The children are practicing hard for the play they are going to be in at church. Zane has an important role and has alot of lines. Lilly is only wishing that her Daddy can be there to see her up on the stage. I haven't told them that he is coming home for it this weekend.. trying to surprise them. I know they miss him so much but try and not complain. Last Sunday after their practice at church we had a little Christmas party for the kids and volunteers. They had a family game of Bible Bingo. Lilly chimed out.. but my daddy is not here.. so we can't play as a family... awwww breaks your heart huh. But we did play and she forgot quickly and when she talked to daddy on the phone she excitedly told him about the prize we had won.

I have yet to start ANY of my shopping. I have alot of ideas and a list of who I am shopping for written at least. Next week Josh's vacation check should be here in the mail and I am planning to do the big shopping then. I did buy cards but I like to put pictures of the kids in them but I have yet to get any printed up or taken a nice one to print.. it is on that list of things to do you know. Josh says he has done some shopping for me already... and loving teasing me about it ofcourse. He said he had to put the seats down in the back of his car to get it in and he had to lug it allllll the way up to his room.. humm what could it be?? He said it is JUST for me.. not something for the house or something for me to share. And that is all the hints he is giving me.

Anticipation that grows around this time a year is starting to come on thickly. I am unsure what our final plans are for Christmas or where we will be spending it but I just know what ever happens as long as we are all together as a family it will be wonderful. I would love to have a BIG celebration at my new house and have everyone over for a big dinner. I am still unsure if Josh is going to be working that weekend and just have Christmas day off or not so it is hard to make plans. We say if he is still up there for that weekend we will go to Milwaukee and to my family there since they only a hour away from Josh's work.. but still I really want to be home on Christmas.. opening gifts in front of my fireplace and serving the traditional cinnamon rolls in my kitchen. I am trying to convince my sister and her girls to come down here instead of us going up there.. so we will just wait and see what happens and how it all plays out.

Another exciting thing going on is the planning of January's Silent No More Awareness Event. January is going to be here so fast it seems and we need to nail down a plan. There is some talk about holding it at the state's capital and maybe even getting in to see the governor. Please keep that all in prayer for me and the ladies who are planning on speaking.

There, that wasn't sooo bad.. pretty positive : )

Monday, November 28, 2005


What I read at church last Sunday.. my shortened Testimony

Isaiah 61:1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD [is] upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to [them that are] bound

2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn

3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified

Click here to view Video

What Am I Thankful For???

When I was asked to get up and speak for a few minets about What I am Thankful for and share some of my testimony by Pastor, I of course had to say YES. I immediately sat down and started to think of what I could possibly say and keep it short. I started to think back to where I used to be and just how far the Lord has brought me in my life, tears and praise started to flow and I can't help but smile. I could go on and on all day about the many blessings in my life and some may think it was bragging.. when really it is me giving Glory to God. Some one recently told me, "Mary you are a blessed person" My natural reply was "Ofcourse I am! I am a daughter to the KING!" And that is what I am most thankful for because I did not always know that truth and I did not always know him.

That video that I asked them to play I found online and the first time I saw it I related to it profoundly. For me I could of wrote that song and those could have been images of my own teen years flashing up there. If you have ever seen that movie 13 you know it is basically about a young girl and she seems to grow into every parent's nightmare. I was the wild child trying to escape my reality of a childhood with sexual abuse and unstable home life, looking to be loved in all the wrong ways and I look back and marvel at how on earth did I come out of some of the situations I put myself in with out serious harm. How even then God wanted to know me and was calling out to me and drawing me to him.

I am thankful for that divinely appointed day when a women in a big red van pulled up and asked me if I needed a ride and thankful that she befriended me and spoke truth into my life and never looked down at me or judged me and the state I was in at that time. She only loved on me and showed me God's love. Before that day I was trying to live a good life but with many deep hurts and void of God's presence in my life. I was A young wife with two children and the third on the way, trying to escape my past. Joshua and I trying to make ends meet with very little and seeming bound to repeat the patterns set down by the parents who raised us.

I am thankful for who ever wrote that song "Jesus Lover Of My Soul" and to the Holy Spirit who ministered to me threw that song. The song that helped me realize that YES HE DOES LOVE ME.. HE WILL SET MY FEET ON A ROCK AND I CAN STAND ON HIS PROMISES AND HIS TRUTH. THAT HE IS THE LOVER OF MY SOUL, THE LOVE I HAD BEEN YEARNING FOR AND SEEKING MY WHOLE LIFE. He loved me and died for me even while I was a sinner.

I am Thankful for the scar on my husband's abdomen from his appendix surgery. It was shortly after that that he realized his mortality and his need for a relationship with The Lord. It was after that we became equally yoked and made God the center of our marriage. A quickly answered prayer because it was only a few months before that I remember crying and asking what do you do when your husband is not a Christian. Now I can look back and wonder how does ANY one hold a marriage together with out God in the center of it because with him in ours there has been Joy and Peace and a deeper Love. I know most of the couples who get married at 19 much less any age are on the road to divorce but Josh and I even though getting married and having children young we seem to get stronger threw the years.. Going on 10 this June.

I am Thankful for each of my children. They are each a special blessing and a joy and I am blessed doubly because I know that because of mistakes I have made in the past I may have very well been left barren if not for the grace of God. Zane the brain and wise beyond his years, Annie gentle and soft-spoken, Lilly full of excitement and energy, Sophia my baby who demands attention and my first daughter, Beautiful who I will meet in Heaven when that day comes.

I am thankful for each of the trails God has brought me and my family threw teaching me to walk with him and base my life on his love and provision and not on earthly things. For the times we did not know how were going to pay the bills or feed the children but some how he always provided. For God showing me to be content in each situation and to appreciate each blessing. Growing me in him and learning about what is really important in life.

I am thankful for when my niece was kidnapped over that Christmas from the Chicago bus station and he taught me threw all that how to rest in his Peace and promises, to hear his voice, that when we pray he does listen and he is in control despite what circumstances or other people say.

Ofcourse I am thankful for the wonderful new house we moved into at the end of this summer. I could have never dreamed of living in a house such as the Lord has blessed us with. Most of my life I have moved from apartment to apartment and when he lead us to the house we rented in O'fallon for 3yrs that to me was a miracle but to have a house of my own, that I could paint any way I want, have a pet, a yard and neighbors, room for the children to grow and then some.. I still get overwhelmed by how he moves and gives us only good things. Neither of our parents settled in one place for long and my parents never owned their own home.. so even the thought of us buying a house was not wired into my thinking beyond dreaming. I am sure Josh can tell you how I fought us even looking for a house to buy and how I just didn't feel worthy of a home of my own.

I remember once when I was 14 or so writing in my journal about a dream I had for my life. Thewonderful husband who would love me and take care of me the right way, the beautiful children I would have and the happy home we lived in. Me baking in the kitchen with a baby on my hip and the other kids playing in the yard with our dog and my husband coming home from work giving mea big kiss. Like one of those opening sceens from a 50's tv show. I cried because the thought at the time of having a stable idle life was too overwhelming and I just knew life was not like that and no one lived that way and I pushed that dream away. Now I know no one's life is perfect and life is work but all these years later God has blessed me with my childhood dreams, like he took a page out of my diary and said.. yep.. this is what I am going to do in Mary's life.. in my timing, if she yields to me and learns and grows in me and draws close to me..
Life abundant is what I am thankful for.. the life he has given me. Before I knew Jesus Christ I was living a dead life and all the things I tried to do on my own to make it better are indeed like fifthly rags compared to the work he has done in it. All I can be is thankful and in awe of him and I know these are just shadows of what is to come still, when Jesus returns.

Monday, November 21, 2005


Hope This Week goes by fast.. but not TOO fast.

My husband has been out of town for work since Nov. 3rd and before that 3 weeks. He is coming home for Thanksgiving but leaving again for who knows how long. He is a Union Painter.. he just turned Journeymen this year. Him doing this much traveling in new and I am not sure I can stand it.. but I will push threw I guess. Some days are worse then others with out him. Right after he leaves and just before he comes home seem to be the hardest and when I feel the most lonely. Sure we talk on the phone almost every day but I am a young vibrant women over here who heehee has needs. I NEED a break from these kids... I NEED to be served for once instead of being the one doing all the cooking, cleaning and bla bla bla lol. Oh ya and then there are those other needs which I won't go into here *wink*

Something that may help is that he just got a brand spanking new lap top. The "excuse" is so we can be more connected with that technology.. but really he wanted a new toy and bit of pride being able to pay for it with cash. But I do admit I kind of look forward to having an online love affair... with my HUSBAND! But as always having him here in the flesh is what I long for.

Thanksgiving is going to be busy with visiting family and good food and I can't help but want to savor it and not rush threw it. Time seems to be going by faster and faster these days.

My Pastor called me.. first to ask me were I have been lol and that I have been missed at church. (We didn't go Sunday or Wednesday.. nice to see I am missed) And then to ask me if I would prepare something to say for this Sunday about what I am thankful for. LOL he asked if I could keep it down to 15 min.. considering the last time I got up and gave my testimony it was more like a sermon I can understand that. But he said it would be good for me to get up and speak because a lot of the new people don't know my testimony. So I think he was trying ask for the condense version? LOL

After I got off the phone with him I did actually sit and think about what all I am thankful for *tears* and the list IS long.. how to put it all in words that won't run on and on is the question. I will be trying to put that together and sure enough I will be posting it in here.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

I'v never been much into Creed.. they got big after my time I guess you could say (gawd I'm getting old lol) I don't listen to secular radio really so they kinda were out of my realm so to speak. But I do remember one day flipping threw the stations and stopping on that song Arms Wide Open. Blew me away.. to me it sounded more like an alter call then a simple song and I thought out loud.. that is awesome.. how did they get THAT on regular radio! Then later I learned the song wasn't about what I thought it was.. talk about subjective lol.. it was about when Scott Stapp found out he was going to have a child.

I guess there has always been some back and forth on weather Creed was a "Christian" band or not and watching a behind the music sort of thing it seems Scott came from a strong Christian home but that was about all that was Christian about them. So I just shrugged my shoulders and haven't paid much attention to them. Not to mention I am pretty much clueless when it comes to any kind of music.. I am a casual listener and don't really follow any one band (that excludes you Neil hehe) I am one who believes that what you listen to, read and watch feeds you in one way or another so I am somewhat careful what I feed myself.. garbage in garbage out so they say.

I remember after the Passion Of The Christ came out and a cd was released of songs inspired by that movie Scott Stapp had one on there. I loved it.. it was called Relearn Love. I don't really do message boards but for some reason or another I stumbled upon one talking about him and his solo career and that song. I commented wondering.. Is Scott a prodigal son? and that he would do well if he moved over to the Christian Genre and left the secular stuff behind. LOL ofcourse that got backlash like you wouldn't believe or maybe you would if you frequent message boards. One comment that stuck with me was that cross over bands never survive .. but I tend to disagree with that.. there is more of a growing following for Christian music.. at least from what I see.. but ofcourse that is mostly what I listen to so I am not objective lol. I guess some artists feel if they are labeled a Christian band that puts a nail on their career and they can't make it.. a shame.. just look at Eversence who my one friend swore up and down that they were a Christian band but all I ever read about them was them arguing the point that they were certainly not. For me I don't want to support a group that tries to cross over with out really being strong on who is their real source.. I like to know, that is just me.

So now Scott Stapp is coming out with a solo album and I am some what leery.. I want to dig it.. some of the tunes I have previewed do seem to be reaching out to God. The Great Divide could be a powerful song. And yes it is not for me to judge anyone's heart. I just would really like to hear him say.. I was wrong before but now I surrender my life and want to glorify him. That would speak to millions and touch many more then one song that may or may not be about God.

Just my humble opinions.. pay no attention lol.

The Great Divide By Scott StappRelease date: By 22 November, 2005

Friday, November 18, 2005


Getting the hang of it..

Not sure about the set ups and all the ins and out just yet.. I did read that they have a Microsoft Word plug in that you can use to write posts in Word and publish from there.. I may try that.. cuz you know my spelling sucks lol. Oh wait.. lol I just noticed that Blogger does have spell checker..cool.

I MISSSSSSS my AOL Journal!! I feel sad and hurt and like my resolve is about to waver.. New things are hard sometimes. I am really still hoping (ya I know) that this is still all temparary . I told Josh today all the goings on with the J~Land and how I am likely going to cut off AOL all together.. You know his response..

"Whaaaaaahoooo!!!!!!! ABOUT TIME MARY!!"

Ya.. That didn't make me feel any better.. If anything worse. And I am getting highly annoyed with how some of those who choose to stay with the drug (figurative) dealers, non respecting,money grubbing AOL. Attacking us for doing what we feel is right. I didn't call anyone names for wanting to stay with AOL.. sad sad sad. I think the underlying thing with them is they are going to miss how the community was before the Exit of the majority and are afraid.. as they should be, who isn't? That community spirit we had going is never going to be the same.

For me it is a BIG DEAL!! Ad Banners over night.. with out asking about my feelings on it. AND what if one of those banners were for a company I highly found offensive?? You know I will NOT support any company that has anything to do with abotion or Planned Parenthood.. what if they wanted to put one of those companies on thier adversing list that graced my blog?! They need to go and go like YESTERDAY! I may consider some consesions.... like if they put them on the bottom and gave me a CHOICE.. but we know big corporations don't seem to listen to thier customers any more.

BUT I miss my daily posting and getting it all out. Yesterday I accomplished something big for me. I got my plates renewed and plates for Josh's new car done!!! Ya, that may not seem like a big deal to some but it was for me.. and thankfuly not as painful as I thought it would be. Since Josh has been out of town I have had to do a lot more of the stuff that is usually his department. The plates was a big deal. Mine had expired in Sep.. so I have constantly been looking over my shoulder worrying about being pulled over and getting a ticket.. And to make it worse the insurance had lasped.. so I had to also get that done. Why did I let it go for so long? Mostly my excuse was money and time.. But really because I had never done it before and I am extremely shy when I am in new situations and was horrified at the thought of a DMV worker laughing in my face for not having some correct paper work. Again.. stupid I know.. I now see how I let fear rule my life for a bit.. no longer. A new assertive Mary is starting to emerge. Watch out world! LOL

Today is going to be a busy day.. nice that I got up before the rest of the house .. for once. I have to do a mad dash cleaning effort and laundry and then latter today I am going to Lilly's class for some parent-child arts and crafts. My friend is going to pick up Sophia so I can go. I also need to get to the post office or someplace and have Josh's plates for his care shipped to him overnight..ugh. And then tonight the kids and I are going to church for the "LOCK IN" We are going to stay the night there and have some fun. But we have to leave early Saturday morning so Zane can do the pick up with his troop for Scouting For Food (don't forget to put your bags out folks).

If I only had all that to contend with it would be no biggie. But it seems Josh's uncle has decided to come in to town for the weekend to visit. Ummm.. Josh is not here so I don't know what to do with him... Monday was the first I had heard of this planned visit. When I asked Josh if he had heard about it he said, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU LAST WEEK?? Haven't you talked with my mom?? Opps sorry." Sheeeesh.. Typical Male right ?? LOL But that is ok.. I'll keep pushing threw. ONE MORE WEEK AND HE WILL BE HOME! You know I am going to be EXTRA thankful this Thanksgiving. And Josh will be home for the whole weekend.. 4 days, wow.. What will I do with him *evil grin*

Thursday, November 17, 2005


Here I am.. an AOL Refuge

Testing testing.. is this thing on?? aww that is better. Stay tuned for updates.

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